i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I just sharted jello shots
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