Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
