didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
