i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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