I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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