The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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