"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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