it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
