I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
