It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
