Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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