i was born a porn star she said
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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