just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
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I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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