You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
