FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
