My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
