Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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