I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap