you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital