theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
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I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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