right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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