I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
