I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
