I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
