Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
