Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
