And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
