i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
