Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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