Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
