he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
