Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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