Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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