Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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