i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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