college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
