took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
