we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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