its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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