I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
