btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
