I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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