I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
