ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
