I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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