I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
