While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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