Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My hand turned me down
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
