Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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