Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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