Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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