literally had 100 drinks last night.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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