We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
zippers are such a cool invention
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
