i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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