I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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