I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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